Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
