The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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