Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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