Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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