Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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