Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
