you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
