Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Randomize
