Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
