ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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