you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
