Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
