Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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