the new term for farting is butt boxing.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
