the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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