what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
