6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I am spending my child support on dildos
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
