Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Randomize
