So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
