When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
