i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
