Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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