hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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