Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
