I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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