I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
