I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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