god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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