You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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