Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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