i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
