I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
