Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
