Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
