remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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