I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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