I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
