I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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