Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
sarcasm needs its own font
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
