The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
