he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
