I could have mohawked her pubes.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
