So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
