True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
