one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
