dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
