did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
