apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
