saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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