i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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